Ep 40: Rumours Nearly Destroyed Her... Then Vulnerability Became A Superpower | Caity Mulraney

For years, Caity Mulraney lived behind a mask.

Growing up around domestic violence, surviving an abusive relationship, battling addiction, and eventually reaching the darkest point of her life, she spent decades believing she wasn't enough.

Then she discovered running.

What began as a reluctant parkrun slowly became the catalyst for rebuilding her confidence, embracing vulnerability, and learning that strength isn't about never falling... it's about choosing to keep getting back up.

Follow Caity's journey: https://www.instagram.com/caitlynmulraney_/

In this episode:

• Growing up surrounded by domestic violence 
• Escaping an abusive relationship 
• The day rumours pushed her to rock bottom 
• How running replaced alcohol as her coping mechanism 
• Learning to embrace vulnerability on social media 
• Why she's now helping others believe in themselves 

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Runbelievable is the podcast for every runner. From your first parkrun to your 100th marathon, from walk-run intervals to dabbling in trail running, every runner has a story worth telling. Through honest conversations with runners from all walks of life, Runbelievable explores the challenges, achievements, setbacks, and experiences that connect us through running and shape who we become.

Transcript

Joshie 0:06

Just a quick note that this episode touches on themes of domestic violence and suicide. They're important parts of Katie's story, but we do know that they can be quite difficult to hear. So if you need to take a break or come back to this episode another time, then please do.

Caity 0:22

You just up and left. Like, what did I do wrong to deserve that, you know? Um, so yeah, it it definitely places that in you for the rest of your life. And even today, I'm like, I it's the fear of judgment, it's the fear of um not being worthy enough.

Joshie 0:39

As I sit here today wondering if I should have run through those teenagers spread five wide across the park, I'm reminded of the laughs and strange lessons that running teaches us. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Run Believable. I'm your host, Josh Richard, and each week we sit down with runners from all walks of life to explore how running has shaped who they've become. Joining me today is Katie Mulroney, whose journey has taken her from trauma, addiction, and crippling self-doubt to discovering that vulnerability might just be her greatest superpower. Katie, welcome to Run Believable.

Caity 1:12

Hi, Josh. Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor.

Joshie 1:15

Now, Katie, before we dive into your story, we're just going to share a very quick moment from our amazing Run Believable community. This week's Run Believable moment comes from previous guest Libby. Now, she'd been chasing a sub two hour two-hour half marathon for quite some time and lined up at the rather hilly Akaroa half uh last month with no intention of going for a time. Instead, she just wanted to enjoy the views, the scenery, and have a bit of fun. I'm sure you know where this is going. That day, she ended up running her first official sub two-hour half marathon, which I think is just a beautiful lesson in how taking the pressure off can sometimes yield brilliant results.

Caity 1:55

100% agree.

Joshie 1:56

And here's the fun twist, Katie. Less than two weeks after she ran her first sub two-hour half uh, she took off for a training run and thought, why the hell not go for it? And she ended up running uh like a 147 half uh that is massive.

Caity 2:10

I know 159, that's huge.

Joshie 2:13

Yes, incredible. So uh yeah, Libby, thanks so much for sharing your unbelievable moment with us. And in the nicest possible way, we both love you and hate you at the same time for that achievement.

Caity 2:22

That's massive. Yeah, congratulations. That's you.

Joshie 2:25

Yes, indeed. Um, but look, today belongs to someone else. Um, and look, I'll be honest, I actually don't quite know where to start. When we caught up a few weeks ago, I think we chatted for about an hour. And I don't know about you, but I feel like we barely scratched the surface of your journey. Probably not. Um so I thought, well, let's chat about you recently having attended Brooke uh Brooke Macintosh's mental fitness tour because I think you said that it unlocked something inside you about being more honest with yourself.

Caity 2:55

Yeah, for sure. Um so I've obviously um, as I share with you, I've been connected with Brooke for a while through social media and followed her um mental fitness tour, all of her the social media platforms that she has, and obviously her amazing run around Australia for mental health, um, which really, really resonated with me and something that I connected with strongly, being a runner that has struggled with mental health my whole life. Um, so connecting with her through social media um was pretty amazing, and my friends and I decided to go down to her most recent tour, um, where she took us through all of the platform of her baseline program um that she does with her mental fitness training. Um, that was probably one of the biggest eye-opening moments and realization moments for me that um as someone that does share a lot on social media, where I was holding myself back, and probably why I had been holding myself back from being just that little bit more vulnerable, maybe a little bit more myself online, um, where I wanted to get to and where I couldn't quite reach. Um, and then ever since then, I feel like I've just stepped into this whole new world, I suppose, this new version of myself online. Um, and a lot of people were reaching out being like, here she is, like, let's see this more. Um, and yeah, I guess that's part of how I got here to talk to you today is to step into that new vulnerability. Um, I've shared a lot of personal stuff online throughout my journey of running. But I also think that having that day with her and just unlocking a few areas that I didn't realise I was still holding myself back from and uncovering why. Um, probably more my own um fears and judgments that I'd put on myself over the years rather than anyone else's, um, has I guess made me realize that to get to the next step in what I want to do and what I want to progress to in my coaching, in my platform, and in what I share and my big girl visions, as I like to say, big girl dreams, um, is to step into that near vulnerability. And that is why I'm with you today.

Joshie 5:02

Well, thanks for being so vulnerable, allowing yourself to be so courageous and sharing your story. I mean, like you said, there's a fair bit that you have shared on social media, but there's also a lot that you haven't, which I know you're sort of willing to talk about today. Now, I'm not sure if you remember, but when we chatted a few weeks ago, one of the first things that you said to me was that life can knock you down, but you choose the end of your story. Now, it sounds like you've been knocked down a few times uh early on in your life, and in fact, up until quite recently. Um, are you happy to talk us through what life looked like for young Katie?

Caity 5:36

Young Katie grew up in a very traumatic household. Um, I was in a household where my father was abusive, um, and my mum was subjected to that every single day. And I have spoken to her about this. Um, being someone that's on social media, she is aware that I do share this stuff online. Um and so that it is okay to talk to me, talk to you about. But um, that was my entire childhood memory from the ages, well, from birth, obviously, uh earliest childhood memories and our core values, what we believe in, um, all that sort of stuff. Well, we're we are developed at that younger age. Um, and everything that I remember up until I was seven, six, seven years old was a violent home. Um we when you have a childhood like that and you don't have many happy family memories, it starts to put a lot of negative impressions on you from a very early age. I was a very self-conscious um young girl. I was very timid. I was always like the one that sort of held back in group environments, and that very much sparked something in me for the rest of my life, um, is exactly how I continued to show up as I went on through primary school, high school, and and into adulthood and motherhood as well. Um when my dad left when I was six, seven years old, um, my little brother was only one, so he doesn't have much of that sort of memory as I do. Um so we're about six years apart. My mum met another man um who became what we thought our dad for life, I suppose, um, at the time. He wasn't he was an amazing dad. I I can't put anything um negative towards him for what he brought us up like in the home that we did have. My mum, however, struggled with a lot of mental health through that time and there are a lot of ups and downs in our home through her struggles, um, having been through what she had been through. When I was mid sort of teenage years, um we I actually we'll get get to this in a moment, but I actually went through a really um, I guess like I rebelled. I suppose you could say I started to really rebel against how I'd been brought up, what was going on in the household, all those sorts of things. And at a very early age, I I guess I started skipping school. I started to hang out with the older kids that were drinking, um, and I turned alcohol pretty early on and met an a guy that was four or five years older, well, four and a half years older than me when I was 15 years old and got into a relationship there. That caused a lot of trouble with me and my mum because mum could see sparks of my dad in him at the time. Whereas I was holding that, you don't know what you're talking about, you know, don't tell me what to do, rebellious, don't listen to mum. I know best.

Joshie 8:33

All right.

Caity 8:34

Around that same time, the man that we believed was our father for life, as I said, um, we actually found out that he had been cheating on my mum with his own brother's wife for a goodness long period of time. Far about once they got found out, he and her up and packed their bags one night, jumped on the spirit, which we lived very close to that down here, and we're never seen again. Um, so it was basically lucky up and died. I suppose he was just gone. There was no explanation, no why, no what did we do wrong. Um, here we go. Yeah, this is a scarf of life.

Joshie 9:14

Um Is it fair to say, Katie, that I guess at that point all you ever knew were like toxic men in your life?

Caity 9:20

For sure, for sure. And going further, I guess, into the next part, we can obviously come back to that in a moment, but going into the next part was that that became my relationship. So the relationship that I had prior to my husband, yeah. Um five years. We built a home together, we had a dog together, um, but until it was too late, I didn't realise what I'd got myself into. And that five years became physically, mentally, emotionally abuse for five years until I was able to escape that household.

Joshie 9:52

Um I'm so sorry to hear that. I mean, Katie, were the looking back at me, do you think the signs were there or do you think you know you were so conditioned to I guess mistreatment that you weren't even aware that there was anything wrong?

Caity 10:05

Absolutely. And and as I said, it was wasn't until it was too late. Um I we discussed last time I was talking to you, um, I went into it like a bit more depth, but um the night before I was able to say I need to get out, help me to my mum one day, and we managed to get my brother and some family members and things in to clear my belongings out of that house. I didn't think I was gonna walk out of the bathroom alive. So until it was too late, I knew that something was wrong, but nobody knew the severity. They they could see that I was becoming very much a shell of myself. Um, they could tell that things weren't quite right, but I I didn't know how to say I'm not okay and I'm not safe. And as you said, I think looking back now, um, I mean, I've been in my relationship with my husband for 12 years now, so it's been a long time of working through all those things. But I think looking back growing up with that around me, my dad, my real dad, was in and out of my life, and we'll get to this, I'm sure, but until I was 30 years old. So I'm almost 35 now. So four and a half years ago was the day that I decided to say no more because he would pop back up and he'd try to make amends, but then he would his narcissism would come through and it would be all my fault why why this happened, why I deserved that, what I did wrong. And so I'd go through this absolute emotional meltdown again, where once again I'd turn to the alcohol and I'd use that as my coping mechanism, and it went on and on, and then I'd cut him off for a year and I wouldn't hear anything, and then all of a sudden he crawled back. He crawled back when I first have my first baby. I want to be a part of this child's life and I want to, you know, I want to make amends for all these years. But then the same happened, and it was a constant cycle. Um, but with my previous relationship, I think because as you said, all that I ever had known was being hurt and mistreated and deception, and I thought that that's what a relationship was because I didn't know anything.

Joshie 12:06

So you must have, Katie, been living in this constant state of fear, like not just fear for your safety, but fear of judgment as well. Um I mean, what did those years look like, I guess, in your in your twenties? I mean, trying to constantly fight, I guess, for your father's acceptance. Is that pretty much what it was about?

Caity 12:26

100%. And very open to all of the, you know, um, I've been through psychologists, been through all of the things over and over and over, and that is exactly what it is. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to I didn't understand what I kept doing wrong. I didn't know, I guess, why wasn't I worthy of your love? Like why, you know, my my stepdad who I thought was my father this whole time, um, you just up and left. Like, what did I do wrong to deserve that, you know? Um, so yeah, it it definitely places that in you for the rest of your life. And even today, I'm like, I it's the fear of judgment, it's the fear of um not being worthy enough. It why me? Why do I get these opportunities at where I am now? Um, because I'm not worthy of that, because I never thought I was back then, even though time and time again I've been proven wrong and I've alert that now, um, when that's instilled in you constantly for the first 20 to 23 years of your life.

Joshie 13:23

We're trying to basically learn new ways of thinking and new ways of processing information. And like you say, if you've been conditioned for so long to thinking of yourself that way, if that's your I guess self-perception and self-worth, it doesn't matter, I imagine, what other people are telling you and what opportunities are bestowed upon you. You have to believe that you're worthy of it.

Caity 13:42

For sure. And that is exactly um, I guess, where even just this year I went and went and saw that tool by Brooke, and I realized that I was still sitting in that and I'm nearly 35 years old. And I've got three children of my own. I've got a very happy, safe, loving home, husband, family dynamic, and I've had all these amazing things happen to me, especially over the last few years. But I still sit there and go, I'm just me. I'm not worthy of that. Why would you pick me? You know, and because it's just been reinforced over and over my whole life.

Joshie 14:14

Gosh. Um now, Katie, I think it was when you were in your early 20s that you made the decision to leave Tasmania. I think you just met your current partner, or was I very close, yes. But you needed you needed a fresh start. So can you talk us through what sparked that and what made you ultimately return to Tasmania?

Caity 14:34

Yeah, my husband made me return. Um I couldn't be without him. Um, so after my previous relationship came to an end and I escaped that, there was a lot going on after that um mental health. Obviously, I was not feeling safe in my environment. There was a lot of stalking going on afterwards as well. Fine, right? At the time I was working in a gym and I'd done I was I'd done my level three um certification in fitness um and I wanted to explore going further into that. So um fitness had always been sort of my go-to whilst I was very much doing all the academical things that I probably shouldn't have been doing and making decisions outside of that. Um I was a swimmer and that was my absolute passion. I loved being in the gym. That just made me feel so I guess comfortable within myself. That was that was my place. So when I got the job at the gym, I did my level three or certification three in fitness back then. Um I would have only been about 20. I was still with my ex at the time. So when I left him and I was going through all the trying to get the boundaries and the stalking thing, I I just said I need to get out of here. And my friend lived in Queensland at the time, and she said, You need a fresh start, like you need to get away, you need to start fresh. So I actually signed up for my double diploma um at a sport or fitness institute up there. Um, and I moved to Brisbane within six months. Um, within that six months, one of my other friends was actually moving to the other side of the world, he was moving to Canada and he decided to have a going away party. And at that time I didn't know my now husband at all, had never even heard of him before, even though he's quite a well-known person in the sporting world. He I didn't even know who he was, he didn't know who I was. And we got introduced that night. And um, I was planning on moving. I was leaving within, you know, a month, maybe six weeks. Um, everything was moved up there, ready to go. Um, I was sort of living out of my mum's back room at the at the time, waiting it out. And we sparked, sparked it off, um, just hit it off with a conversation. We sat at the end of the bar and we talked for hours. We were doing tequila shots, but we were we just talked for hours and it was the most comfortable that I had probably ever felt. Other I did have some male friends back there. I usually gravitated to the male friends, and I think that looking back growing up, um, I definitely gravitated to male friends because that was I was seeking what I didn't get from my father, my stepfather, and things like that. That makes sense. I think that's why looking back now. Um, but they were beautiful friends, they never did, they looked out for me so much, and you know, when I'd get myself blind drunk overnight, they'd make sure I'd get home safe and things like that. Um, anyway, this one night, my husband my now husband Kieran and I were sitting at the end of the bar just talking about life and opening up. I opened up probably more than I would have ever opened up to anyone that I've had never met before. Um, I was very guarded in that respect back then. Um we caught up a couple of times, just went for literal walks with a coffee type thing around that same time. Um and then I obviously was heading off um to Queensland, so Apha moved. Uh, he and a friend went and toured Europe at around the same time. So there was around six weeks where we barely sort of kept in touch or anything, or sort of just like messaging back and forth. And then when he got back, we sort of went, wouldn't mind giving this a go and seeing what happens. But you know, I'm in Queensland, you're in Tasmania, how are we gonna make this work? And he just said, I don't know, but I want to try. So it was May, and we decided let's just give this a shot. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but you know, what do we got to lose? We're both feeling the same way about each other and both feel like there's something there. So um I was obviously deep in study at that time. He was in an apprenticeship down here. Um, and then within a year, I went, I don't think we can do this anymore. I want to be at home, I want to be with you. So I packed up all my stuff within a week, um, transferred all of the last of my double diploma back online, and I had moved home and moved in with him and his mates within a week. Um, within six months, we had fallen pregnant with our first child, which is up like you wouldn't believe when you've been in a distance relationship. Um, but yeah, I I I think that is really the turning point for our relationship because it did have to move so fast, and that will break a relationship very quickly, especially when you have it actually been in the same state for that entire time. Um, so we very quickly had to find our own. Back then, you know, we were both, I was still studying, he was an apprentice. Um, so we've got this little tiny unit that um was our very first home together, and we had our firstborn child six months later.

Joshie 19:20

Wow. And it sounds like during that period you had all these mixed emotions because you're welcoming your first child into the world, you'd met a man who's just sounds like he's absolutely beautiful and a beautiful human that's perfect for you, but you're still sort of navigating this relationship with your father. I think you got married around the time you were 30, but that wasn't easy. Like, are you happy to talk me through what your wedding looked like?

Caity 19:42

My wedding, yes. Um, so two kids later, Kieran decided to finally pop the question. I thought it was never gonna happen. And we finally decided to um ask me to marry him. We'd had three children by then, so we're parents to three beautiful children. Um, as I shared with you before, all of that process was not easy. You know, that I was still navigating some serious mental health struggles, anxiety and social anxiety um were probably the two most prevalent things that I struggled with that entire time. Okay. I really struggled with pre and postnatal depression with all of my children. I think it was that extreme anxiety. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. Um, but also, you know, I was in the fitness industry and everything well and truly. So these people would see this bubbly big Katie come to work, but then she'd go home and cry in the shower for an hour.

Joshie 20:36

Oh my gosh.

Caity 20:36

Um so I was still very much struggling with the ups and downs of my mental health, and and Kieran being Kieran was the most supportive and patient person that you can ever imagine. Sometimes I wonder how he survived me. But throughout that time, I was still very much struggling with my dad. As I said, with the firstborn, he crept his way back in, and then it'd be the exact same things um happening over and over. And when Kieran decided to finally pop the question, um, I'd formed myself. There were two angles, I guess, that that come into this wedding scenario. Um, I'd formed this cool group of girlfriends um that were definitely enabling my drinking, and it was always reaching for who's gonna have the pre-drinks this weekend. And I was a mum to three young children, but I was still prioritizing that masking, that hiding behind my choices to go and drink every single weekend. Um any chance that I got really was that was where I wanted to be, more so than being at home and looking back on that, like there's so much regret there, but at the same time, I understand why I was doing it net more now.

Joshie 21:41

Yeah, of course.

Caity 21:43

Um, so we'll come back to that core group of friends, but um, leading into my wedding, I went through a real challenge of who's going to walk me down the aisle, and for some reason, whether it was the little girl in me that still just wanted daddy's approval, I kept going back to I want my dad there. And it didn't matter how many times I had a conversation with Kieran about why does he deserve to be there, I still Just held on to this thing that maybe he'll show up for me, maybe something will go right this time. And so I asked him to come, but then leading into the wedding, I made a decision that my brother, my younger brother, would be the one to walk me down the aisle, being the male constant in my life. We're very, very close, my brother and I. And so I made that decision that he would be the one to walk me down the aisle.

Joshie 22:30

Okay.

Caity 22:31

Um, when I approached my dad about that, there were s I can't even probably bring to words um the abuse that came through the phone that day.

Joshie 22:41

Oh my gosh. And like he felt like it was his right or something.

Caity 22:45

Yeah, it was his it was his responsibility to walk his little girl down the aisle, and how dare I choose anyone but him? And you know, I've dreamt of this day forever, how could you do this to me? And it just it flipped everything for me. Leading into that wedding was so much anxiety, so much stress. I just I didn't know how that day was going to work. How was I gonna have my mum and my dad in the same room? How was I gonna walk down the aisle with my brother, with my dad there, and knowing that that's how he felt. And I am someone that I absorb everyone else's emotions and take them on as my own. I always have, it's part of who I am. I know now I understand because I've been diagnosed ADOHD um recently, which we'll get to, but um on the day of my wedding, he didn't show up. He didn't come. Um, and I think looking back, that absolutely destroyed me. And days later, I hadn't kept I hadn't sent any photos. I was sort of in this new new word bubble, you know, I hadn't touched base with anybody, um, hadn't touched base with my bridesmaids, which I'm sure we'll get to that situation with the girls in a moment. But um I all of a sudden, probably about four or five days maybe after my wedding, I received these messages come through on my phone from my dad. But basically they were paragraphs on paragraphs on paragraphs, and they just kept coming through, and it was all about what I had done wrong, how I had made him feel. Um, there was things about my brother and what my brother had done wrong. Um, my brother ended up receiving messages as well, pretty much the exact same type of things, but against us. Um, and it was all about how we'd upset him, how what we'd done wrong to him after everything that he'd put us through our whole life. Um, that was what I got after my wedding day when he decided not to show up.

Joshie 24:33

Um That is awful.

Caity 24:36

We got married at the very start of December, on the 4th of December. On Christmas Day, my brother received this. I didn't receive it, but my brother received this massive message once again, which we hadn't responded. We didn't give him the time of day for the ones near the wedding. But on Christmas Day, my brother received this abusive message. Um, every name under the sun, everything that you could possibly think of throwing at your children um was in this message. And my brother being the strong one and obviously having the connection that I did growing up and being so much younger than me, he had a different relationship with my dad the whole time, I guess. But he just sat there this Christmas day, my brother, and said, I'm not doing this anymore. We don't deserve this. It's time for us to move through, like move on. And he right then and there, he deleted the message, he blocked the number, he deleted the number, and he said, It's time for you to let this go. Like you have wait waited and tried for 30 years. You've given him 30 years of this, and a lot, a lot of tears later, and a lot of shaking and all of the panic attacks he could possibly ever think of because I didn't know what was going to happen next. Um I deleted that number and I blocked that number and I deleted that number. And to this day, I I have not heard a thing more, but it still sits in the back of your head, like you know, how what's that done to him and how does he feel? And that's that's the narcissism that I can still see from what he used to put on us still coming out nearly five years after the day that I did that.

Joshie 26:15

Um it's um very courageous of you, incredibly courageous of you, Katie, to take such a drastic step. I mean, I know that it wasn't easy leading up to that point, and what I think what you've just articulated is that even since uh it's not as if life has been easy that it's constantly weighing on you. Have I made the right decision? Um, and for him to have basically made your wedding day about himself must have just been truly awful. Um and so I think it as if things hadn't been hard enough for you. I think even after that became a an even darker chapter in your life, your your friendship groups broke down. I think you decided to quit alcohol, um, or maybe alcohol was still partly a feature of your life, but it sounds as though that um quote unquote friendship group that you had um didn't take too kindly to you changing your um day-to-day habits and behaviours.

Caity 27:02

Exactly, exactly right. Um, within the next six months or so, as I said, I went through a little bit of a you know, newborn, uh newborn, pff, well yes, we go through that too, but a new newlywed phase, um, I guess, where the the honeymoon and all the things, and it sort of went off the radar for a little bit. And after all that happened with my dad, I thought I'm a married woman now, I've got three children, and I I can't be doing this every weekend anymore. I can't be constantly going out drinking. Um, so I started to make what I thought back then was some changes, um, and I started stepping away from the friendship group that I was in that had been part of my wedding as well, where there was a whole lot going on in the background leading into that wedding with those girls that I didn't know about until after the fact. And it made me realize this is not who I am, this is not the circle that I belong in, and this is probably probably bringing out the worst in me. And this is not the mother that I want to be, this isn't the wife I want to be, it's not the person I want to be. Um so I started making some very small steps backwards and just starting to distance myself. And unfortunately, girls can be really goddamn horrible, and even when you're 30 years old, it's horrible. Um, I was still going out drinking, but definitely trying to bring myself back. And I was hanging out with some different people that I'd met through my my work. I was head coach at a um fitness facility at the time, and I'd sort of connected with some people there, there were some guys there, there were some girls there, and I'd connected with this new group, and I thought, okay, I'm gonna try and like drift myself away from these girls and hang out with these different people. Maybe something will change. So I got closer to these people, and particularly a couple of the guys that were there, I got pretty close with. My husband knew about it. There was a very open book about the whole thing, just friendship, where we're supporting each other through some pretty shitty times that we were all going through.

Joshie 29:02

Okay.

Caity 29:03

Um, this particular night I went out and got quite drunk. Um, it was an after party of an event that we'd had for the particular place I was working at. And the night that I was out that night, um, I was with this new friendship group, the guys and everything, and the girls that I'd obviously started to separate myself from were there. Um, I was in all sorts. I didn't know how to cope with it. I was like, how do I not interact with these people? Like, there's there'd been some really vindictive, nasty messages coming through at the like before this from them to me about the decisions that I was making and that I wasn't a good enough friend because I wasn't showing up for anyone anymore. And it was all this stuff. And I, as I said, I do not cope with people saying those sorts of things about me. I am the person that I just want everyone to like me. I don't want to get on anyone's wrong side, and if I do, it will eat away with eat away on me forever, probably the rest of my life. Um, and perhaps that's because of the way I was brought up, and I I don't know. But this one night I decided I had enough and I wanted to go home. And one of the guys that I'd become friends, we had decided to leave at the same time. So we headed off back to our home. We both lived in the same direction, actually, pretty close near each other. So we head off in the same direction. And these girls snapped a whole bunch of photos of us, and from there forth, within the next couple of weeks, they'd spread rumours that I had been cheating on my husband, that I was going home sleeping with this guy, that I had been doing this for months, and that they'd keep messes kept my secret. But now it was time for everyone to know about the truth of Caitlin. And those rumours, here we go, I will cry now. Those rumours, I had the potential to destroy my entire family, pull my entire family apart. Those rumours from those particular girls that knew what I had been through with my stepdad leaving and how much that destroyed me, and that I could not possibly ever, ever hurt somebody in that way. Um that went through so many aspects in my life to the point that I ended up quitting my job because I didn't want to be around anyone that thought that of me. Um the amount of panic attacks, sex is still affecting me to this day. Um, the amount of panic attacks that I would have just going out to the school drop-off because I knew that that person had heard that rumour and I knew that person was connected with that person. And it's a snowball effect. When there's I had never had anyone spread a rumour about me in all the years of all the shit that I'd put myself and then situations that I had put myself in. I'd never had a rumour spread about me before. So this was a massive eye-opener to just how detrimental to your life and your mental health a rumour can be. Fortunately, my husband knows me very well and the person that I am, and has a fully open book and I had his full support. He was the captain of our local, well, our state um soccer team here. And for months he had people coming up to him saying, mate, I've heard this, and I just have to make sure that you know because I, you know, I'm looking out for you, and he'd have to shut it down. I was too scared to go to this soccer club that I'd been a part of with him for 10 years, well, not quite 10 years back then, but close enough, um, because of the judgment that I would receive based off that. Um, that was by far through everything I had been through and all the mental struggles that I had had and the battles that I had faced in my life, that was the absolute rock bottom for me.

Joshie 32:44

Um it's just awful. From a group of people that were meant to have your best interests at heart too. I mean, what did that do in terms of your, I guess, willingness to trust people?

Caity 32:56

Oh, it destroyed it. It shattered absolutely every ounce of trust I had left in anybody to the point that at one point I think I left home within a six-week period, maybe a handful of times. I refused to take my kids to school, I refused to go to sports, um, I would not leave my house because I was so within myself. I was just oh this heater just here. I think I said to the other day, this heater just here. I would sit in front of that and I would go into complete shutdown mode and I would curl up with my hands over my head in my knees, and I would sit there for two hours. And my husband would try to get my attention, my kids would try to get my attention, and I had nothing, I had no words, I didn't know how to articulate how I was feeling. I was just in such a low, low place that I didn't even want to go into the public eye. And to the point, and I guess this is where we we get pretty heavy on it, but to the point that in my head, my husband was gonna leave me right or wrong. Everyone that I had ever known and everyone that I had ever trusted, I felt like had left me. They had picked up and they had left, they had gone away. So in my head, I thought my husband's gonna have enough of this, whether he believes me or not, he's gonna have enough of this and he's gonna take my kids and he's gonna leave.

Joshie 34:15

Okay.

Caity 34:15

And it didn't matter how many times he said, I'm not going anywhere, I've got you, you know, we're in this together, it's okay, all that sort of stuff. I just didn't believe him. And one day, get pretty heavy here, one day I was sitting in front of that exact heater, he was at work, um, and my kids were at school, and I had an appointment in Lonceson, and I thought, I've got to go to this appointment, but if I just drive off the side of the road, all of this ends. And I remember sitting right there where those shoes are drying from the rain, and I just thought, uh he knows I've got to go to Lonceson, it could just be as quick as that. He wouldn't know that it was on purpose. And I sat in my car outside my house and I sent him a message and I just said, if you leave me and we and my kids grow up thinking that I did this to destroy our family, like my stepdad did to us, I just don't want to be here. And I got halfway to Lonceston and I kept, which is an hour's drive from where I live, so I had about an hour's commit. And the whole way I just kept thinking, all you gotta do is turn the steering wheel. Or you that's all you've got to do. And it just so happened that right when that was in my head, I reckon ten times I went to do it and I kept driving. And I I think turn the steering wheel, Caitlin, and this all ends, or they can't say anything, they can't say anything, they can't hurt your family anymore, they can't hurt you anymore. And my husband at that moment sent me a message and he said, Don't you dare leave us. And I just pulled on the side of the road, and at that moment he called me and he just said, Don't you dare leave us, like we are not going anywhere, we're not your dad, we're not your stepdad, we're not your ex, and we're not those girls. Like, we you we are right here. Here we go, oh crap. And um, he actually drove to me from work, it was about 30 minutes probably by that stage. So he actually got in the car and he drove to me. Um, and he made sure I I got home safe and he stayed with me for the rest of the day. And that by far was the deepest, darkest spot that I've ever been. But after that day, I thought I have to do, like, I have to do something, I have to make a change here. And that is when I decided to lace up my shoes and I started running.

Joshie 36:37

I think it was uh is it a friend of yours? By the way, I am so sorry that you went through that, Katie. That is just awful. I can't I can't imagine just to be like battling those those demons inside and knowing that the a lot of what you were hearing in your head were false narratives, false stories that you were told about yourself, but to fight against that is must just be awful. Um But I think by this stage you'd you'd stop drinking, which can actually make things harder because you've lost that sort of coping mechanism, that sort of ability to numb. But then, like you say, I think it was mid-2023, a friend of yours suggested Park Right. You hated it.

Caity 37:14

So um sort of jumping the gun a bit there, but within the next 12 months, um all of my autoimmune came out. So I actually got yeah, so that's actually when I around that same time, um, they actually think that the stress and the trauma, my body had just formed kaput, and um I was extremely sick. I was getting really severe cramping, um, I was getting numbness, tingling all up my up arms and legs. This is sort of about six months after that initial real base drop, I guess, um, in my life. And for months, just didn't know I couldn't get off the couch. I was just so exhausted all the time. My vision was going, I was cramping, pins and needles, all these things. And I was diagnosed with autoimmune about three months later. I was put on medication. Um, and within a matter of two, probably 10 weeks, I had actually gained 10 kilos. So someone that had always been, you know, I've always been a relatively fit and small sort of figure, I suppose. Um, I had gained 10 kilos. I was so inflamed, the medication just made me blow up like a balloon. And my friend actually said, you know, I was really struggling to get back into fitness at that point because of my my weight and everything. I didn't really want to be seeing the public eye too much. Um, and my friend actually said, come to Parkrun with me. Let's just go for a run um together, it doesn't matter what it is. And we battled our way through that, and I absolutely hated it. And I'd run here and there. My husband's a really quite elite-level runner, so in the soccer off season, he would run um and we'd follow him around and I'd sort of jump into some events here and there. And um, but it certainly wasn't my forte back then um or anything I strove towards. But yeah, so um we went to park run and I absolutely hated every single second of it. I thashed my way through in the fourth kilometer. I was going home. I didn't want to finish it, I was done. Um, and I was like, why are we doing this? This is ridiculous. Why do people do this? Um, this could not be something that people love. Um so I finished that. I think we just finished it in about 28 minutes or something like that. And I mean, like, I was dead. Like I was I was cooked and I I really pushed myself to finish it. Um, but I also hated every single minute. Um, but that was probably the turning point for me that I went, I want to turn something that I hate into something that I love and I want to actually make some stupid, ridiculous goal and see what I can I can do. And at the time I had started to stop, well, I had stopped drinking part of my medication I wasn't allowed to drink anyway. Um so at that point I was navigating sobriety for the very first time in my life. I was coming across all of the first, you know, the first events, the first dinners, the first, how am I gonna face this without alcohol? And as I said, social anxiety has been very prevalent in my life and going to even with people that I know, my way of coping with with those sorts of things, otherwise I'd end up in a panic attack, was to have multiple drinks before I even went out. So at the time I was navigating all of these first as a so sober woman, I was overcoming my initial diagnosis with my autoimmune. And I was also seeing running as maybe this could be a weight loss, weight loss thing as well. So I had to lose this weight because you know, didn't feel comfortable with myself and all of these things. So that's probably where it all really started to kick off for me.

Joshie 40:55

You said that you wanted to set yourself some stretch goals. I mean, once you started running, what did you set your sights on?

Caity 41:03

Uh I decided to go really ambitious with the um October Bernie 10. So it's a local event here, it's very well known down here where we are. Um and my husband does that event every single year as his first one for the offseason. Um, and I'd watched him run this over and over and over again. I'd done it just a couple of times for fun. Um, never broke the one hour barrier before um in this 10k event. So I thought I'm gonna I'm gonna do this in 50 minutes. I'm gonna set a goal and I'm gonna do it in 50 minutes. And that was massive because I was barely finishing the 5k without absolutely dying in you know 28 minutes. So from that March to an October event, that was gonna be some serious work. But within that work, I started to find myself, I suppose. And I committed to a plan, I committed to the program. I don't think I missed a single session, um, I didn't miss a single run, even through the awful weather winter that we have that we're experiencing here again today, um, down in Tassie. And I got back into the gym, I really focused on my nutrition, all of those things, and I lined up for that event being like, I can do this. I actually might be able to do this. And that progression in how far I had come, I started to go, maybe I could do something here, maybe this could be something that I really do like focus on and hone in on here. Um, and yeah, and then Bernie 10 happened.

Joshie 42:34

Took me through it, yeah.

Caity 42:36

So um my husband actually decided to pace me um for that event, and we're actually on track for a 45-minute um 10k. So here I was thinking 50 minutes was the goal, and I was actually on track for 45 minutes, and that is a journey and a half from just starting a 5k in May to an October event. Um, we were going up a bit of a hill, um, there's quite a few long hills, and I was actually bumped into by a young boy who was probably around my elder son's age at the time.

Joshie 43:12

Okay.

Caity 43:13

Um, and I was knocked sideways, and the way that I landed, I just felt this agonizing sharp pain up the back of my calf. And I was like, oh my god, I've seriously hurt myself, and I thought, I I've got to finish. And my husband kept going, You're okay, not really realizing how bad it was at the time. Um, but I ended up finishing through that agonizing pain, and I cannot even explain to you how bad that was. Um, I ended up finishing it 46 minutes on the docked. So I start with probably the last four K's of it battling at what I didn't know yet was it pretty severe injury from that one side movement that I landed from. Um, and I finished that very first 10k race that I'd ever done in 46 minutes on the dock.

Joshie 44:03

After setting a sub 50 minute stretch goal and after being Been knocked over by a kid, it was seven or eight kilometers. That's incredible, Katie.

Caity 44:11

Um, so that was pretty cool. But by the time I got home that afternoon, I could not even touch a toe onto the ground without screaming in pain. I was in absolute agony. And I actually found out that I'd actually torn the bottom of my calf. And it was literally just that movement. But I looked back and I'm like, maybe it was an overload thing, and I actually was already having some, you know, maybe there was something there, and that's why it was so easily that that happened. But I went over six weeks and I couldn't put any pressure on my leg at all. And then I had to rebuild all over again. So that's six weeks where I had got myself to not just physically but mentally, and what I had worked through and what I'd started to overcome in that time, thanks to the power of running, what I guess my message is on social media now, it all unraveled. I started to just have meltdowns again. I was crying all the time. I went back into that why me? Why does this stuff always happen to me? Why do I always have to go through this stuff? Um, and that six weeks really set me right on back with my mental health, with my anxiety. All of those things started to rush back, and it was a whole woe-me kind of mentality that I mean for those six months, six weeks.

Joshie 45:31

Do you look back on that experience differently now?

Caity 45:34

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I can see, I guess now looking back, if it was to happen to me again, God forbid, touch wood that I would get injured in the at the moment. But if something happened to me now, I would look at it at a completely different angle. I'd be like, okay, what can I work on while I can't run? What can I work on, you know, outside of that space? But back then, because running felt like all that I had, and it had become a a very big part of my routine, and I didn't really know where I was going, what the next steps were. All that I knew was that I had this one goal for Bernie 10, and that was all my eyesight was for and when all that got taken away, because as I said, I was still navigating that very first few months of sobriety, I didn't have that as my coping mechanism. Although ABA I really, really wanted to back then, especially during that time, would have been so easy just to crack a drink open and take all that away.

Joshie 46:33

Well, you're obviously showing a huge amount of strength, uh Katie, and putting your intentions out there publicly. I mean, for someone that's gone through what you have, that's a double-edged sword. You sort of speak about having this fear of judgment, um, but you've also gone very public with your uh profile. Has that been a difficult thing to navigate? This sort of um not sure how people will perceive what you're doing and the achievements?

Caity 46:59

For sure. Um, yeah, so through that time was I already had a PT social media page, yeah um, which when I put the weight that weight on for the medication and was going through all of that diagnosis, I was sharing little bits, but was still very reserved because of the judgment of the rumors and things. I was still holding so much back and I didn't really know how to step back into that social media world that I had had with my PT platform before. Um, so I pretty much had removed everything off that platform. I just deleted all, I didn't want people looking at what I was doing. I didn't want people, you know, you know, the rumour meal back here. Oh, let's stalk her or let's have a look at her page or something. I was so, so self-conscious of all of that. But during the build into Bernie 10, um, when I was working on that, I started to share a bit. I started to share a bit of that journey and I started to see, you know, a few people pop up here and there, and a few people were sort of following along the journey. And um I guess like that part though started to open up a little more opportunity to share my story, but I was still so reserved in what I would share for that fear of judgment, fear of what people would say. Um, what if I fail? You know, all that sort of stuff. Since then, it's been a good few years now of consistent running. I've certainly had the most up and down journey. Um, I've had relapses where I DNF'd a 10K race only three, six months later, six months later after Bernie 10, I actually DNF'd a 10K race at eight kilometres. Um, that was the absolute turning point for my social media, funnily enough. Um I shared that I'd had a relapse and that I had passed out at eight kilometres on the side of the road. And I shared the entire journey getting back on onto my feet and going again and aiming for that sub-45 in the 10K, my first marathon, all those sorts of things. And I really started to share that journey. Um, throughout that, I was privileged enough to start and work with another girl in taking a run club that we'd sort of taken over through um who I was being coached by back then. Um, and I started to go, I want to do this and I want to take what I have learnt and all the education that I have, which I had worked really, really hard in the background with my education for PT back then. I wanted to take that to the platform of what my pat passion was, and that was running. And so I obviously went in and did my um level two, level one and two in my run coaching. I'm currently doing my level three at the moment as well. Um yeah, a little bit, yeah. I'm a little bit of a stump when it comes to that, and when I'm hyper focused on something last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and that definitely makes sense now.

Joshie 49:40

Using it as a superpower, though, I love it.

Caity 49:43

I love that. Um, yeah, so um I took that opportunity and run with it. Um, I've had so many amazing opportunities. The event that I DNF'd a couple of years ago, I've actually been the ambassador for now for the last two years. Um and I've had the privilege um, as part of that 10K event, we have a 10K, uh 10-week block of training every Wednesday night. It's free to come. As long as you've signed up for the event, you can come along. We get up to 70 people come to our run coaching on a Wednesday night every single week leading into that event. And it is all walks of life. And I realised that is exactly who and the people that I suppose I wanted to be around and who I wanted to help more. Um, so my I guess social media sort of to cut started to take on that part coach, part real mum, just trying to do her best um every day. And that brought me some of the most amazing opportunities having shared that journey um along the way and just leaning into vulnerability and the sobriety side of things, and that I don't I haven't just gone from zero to a hundred with my running. I have had injury setbacks, I've had DNFs in the middle of races, I've passed down the side of the race, I've had autoimmune flare-ups, I've had races that have gone, you know, I've gone with this big goal and I've absolutely not hit it or it's gone completely wrong. Melbourne Marathon last year, I got 23 kilometres in and vomited the whole way back. I literally walked the rest of the way back on the side of the road. And I shared all of that story because I don't ever want to put out the picture that life's perfect. And I don't ever want to put out a picture that you can get from zero to a hundred without there being deviates and there's potholes in the road. And I think there's so much on social media that just show this perfect picture of how life is and all these highlight reels, but it's not the truth of life. And if I can be one thing on social media, it's the person that I wish that I had back then to go, it's okay. And you know, you've got someone that understands right here with you.

Joshie 51:50

Yeah, I admire your authenticity. And I think you said when you and I caught up a couple of weeks ago that life isn't a highlight reel, and like you just said, it paints this um false perception about how we sh what we should all live up to. Um looking at your running achievements, um, which event are you the most proud of?

Caity 52:09

There's probably a few, really, but um session 10 this year, um, where I guess my big goal was a sub-45. I actually went in with the flu. My whole family came down with the flu. Um and I'd been training for this particular event um session 10, and I achieved a 43-10. Not been training for speed for years, um, which was amazing. I did a backyard ultra last year, um, very first time I'd ever gone over the marathon um distance and got 12 hours on that, um, which I probably could have gone more, but I was ready just to go home to my family, to be honest. Um, so there's a few in there, but I think when I really be honest with myself, the first time that I did um bluffed a boat ramp after DNFing, I went in with no expectations, which is a bit like what we were talking about earlier. Um, I hadn't really been specifically training for the event. It was more last year I DNF'd at eight kilometres and I was terrified of doing that course again. What if it happened again? Um, I had a lot of mental blocks through that eight kilometre mark, even in training for a very long time after DNFing that race. And I think looking back, that's probably my proudest run because I let go of all expectations. I did that in 45-10, I think, with no expectations on me. Um and I I loved every bit of it. And then after that, I became an ambassador for that event for the next two years. And I think like I look back and just getting to that finish line was all that I wanted out of that. And I allowed myself to have fun, and I realised that running doesn't always have to be about PBs and the you know the stats, it can literally just be to get out there and have fun. I've now um had my little flag and been the pacer for a number of events, and that is just the most rewarding thing to do. Um, so I think that event really changed how I viewed running from just being stats driven to you can actually enjoy this too.

Joshie 54:23

You must be doing something right, Katie. You've got some incredible opportunities at your fingertips at the moment. You're sort of happy to talk us about some of the exciting things that you're um working on now.

Caity 54:32

Yeah, um, so going back to Brooke.

Joshie 54:35

Yep.

Caity 54:36

Um, so I've actually been privileged enough to be named her lead performance coach for her baseline um program. We have awesome. Yeah, thank you. It's very exciting. Um so just through the power of social media and the power power of putting yourself out there. That's all that it is, and aligning with people that are on the same page as you, that have the same passions, the same visions, that want to dream big and they want um, yeah, they want to help everybody in the power of running. Um so we've actually got seven girls, including, well, not including Brooke, but including Brooke will be eight girls, are coming down to my home state in Tasmania in March next year, and we're finishing her Australia tour with her. So where she ran all of Australia and the mainland a couple of years ago, she's coming to run 500 kilometres in Tasmania in March next year. Um, and she's bringing seven amazing girls with her, and we've just kicked off their training. Um, there's a team of us that are helping prepare them to come down to my home state, which is pretty exciting. I'm the only one that's down here um on that team, so it's very close to home for me and a very special opportunity. And um, yeah, I'm very, very grateful to be a part of her team and bringing those amazing girls down here.

Joshie 55:51

Oh, that's awesome. And look, for any listeners who don't know, Brooke Macintosh is an incredible human. She's the fastest woman to run around Australia, and she now facilitates these incredible sessions. I think they're called mental fitness too. Is that correct? Um I strongly encourage everyone to check it out. Um and just a couple of things before we finish. At the start of this call, Katie, um, we started with your um rather rather prophetic uh words that life can knock you down, but you choose the end of your story. Now, if someone listening today feels like they're trapped in a cycle of either anxiety, addiction, or mental health, um, or simply just wants the um to change the story that's written for them, what would you want them to hear?

Caity 56:31

I think it's um, and I've probably mimic Brooke a little bit here and the way that she talks about the basement, but you've got to hit rock bottom to realise just how far you can go back up. Once you're down, once you are down there and you think that there's no out, the only place that you can go is back up. So the very first step is firstly believing that there is a next step for you, because there absolutely is. And when I thought that there was no out from that, I had no idea where I could get myself in another five, not even five years, been four years since that day, and almost to the the month actually. And back then I thought that that was it. There was no way that I could ever step out of that hole. I thought that was it for me. But you've got to believe that there is more to it for you. And as as you just said, um, you know, there is there is light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose is, you know, it sounds cliche, but when you think that there is not anywhere to go from here, there is someone, someone is out there that wants you to stay or get emotional. And um, yeah, you've got to believe that because if you don't take that next step forward for yourself, you can never see how good it can really get. Because now I'm filled with people around me that just want me to win. They say, go do that thing. I know you can do that, instead of dragging you back down and saying, No, you're doing too much, you shouldn't do that, or you're not good enough, or any of those things that people used to instill in me. And even the girls that I used to hang out with, it was like, you know, I'd have these visions, they'd be like, No, you can't do that, no, you don't do that. That's silly. Um, you know, don't be too much. But at the end of the day, we're we've all got space that we can fill and you belong in that space.

Joshie 58:19

I think you're amazing, Katie. And look, before we finish up, uh just one last question. Looking back on everything that we've spoken about today and thinking about your journey, what would you say is the biggest lesson that running has taught you about yourself?

Caity 58:30

Oh, you're so much stronger than you think. Um, it's without a doubt, the biggest learning lesson from running is that, like as I said, my running journey hasn't been linear. You know, it hasn't gone from zero to a hundred. There's so many downs and ups and things going right and things going wrong and stops and starts and trying again. Um, you are just so much stronger than you think. Your mind is capable of so much more than you ever think that it is. And once you start to put your put your shoes on and go out and show yourself what you can achieve through running, your mind starts to go, actually, I can do hard things. And then that side of it comes into your everyday life. And then you start to put yourself out there a little bit more. Take my social media and what I guess where I've got to with that and the opportunities that have come from that platform. Just by learning through my running that I'm actually so much more capable than I ever thought that I was.

Joshie 59:26

Katie, you truly are deserving of all these incredible opportunities that you have at your fingertips. Thank you so much for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. Your story is my not truly forget.

Caity 59:36

Thank you so much. Really grateful to be fine.